HMZ
MEETS...SEA BASS MAN!
As Gloucestershire County Cricket Club prepare
to head to Lords this weekend chasing their eighth one-day trophy
in recent years, HMZ meet The Sea Bass Man – owner of
the cider-drinking, chicken-eating, cross-dressing fish who
the Club owe their success to…
For regular
visitors to Gloucester cricket matches, the club's official
mascot - "Sea Bass" will be a familiar sight (and
smell). Attending most matches from it's Mystical Container,
the fish's inspirational presence has been a crucial factor
in helping Gloucester reach Lords again this year. "No
doubt, just ask the players" says the Bass's owner, who
confesses "I am a great believer in lucky omens".
The Sea Bass Man was also the guardian of GCCC's previous mascot
for many years, a chicken, who oversaw the team rise from a
cricketing backwater to become the most successful one-day team
of the last ten years. Along the way the chicken gained celebrity
status after TV cameras caught the cock invade the pitch to
berate a hapless fielder who had dropped a catch. A media circus
ensued, with Sky Sports, Radio Bristol and both local TV stations
clamouring to get interviews with the chicken, who became a
firm favourite with Gloucester fans. However, as results began
to dwindle, knives came out for the chicken and supporters turned
on it's back. "The luck of the chicken started to run out"
explained Sea Bass Man, "and one day I caught a Sea Bass…
it did not want to die, he was still filliping when I put him
in the freezer." As this breed of fish is eaten throughout
Glouscester with cider, SBM thought that his catch may a be
potential new figurehead for the County's cricket team. "He
is a predator of the sea" says SBM of the animal that often
feeds on whole crabs, although he was only to discover just
how large this particularly vicious Bass's appetite was when
he returned to his freezer to find "the chicken had disappeared!"
With his rival disposed of, Sea Bass was confirmed as the new
Gloucester mascot and introduced to the supporters – "first
off he was looked upon strangely, but his followers grow daily,
there is something special about this Sea Bass… but yes,
it stinks." The Sea Bass's popularity soared as GCCC returned
to winning ways, and like his predesscessor the fish has also
found fame, recently being interviewed by local radio. In his
personal life, SBM tells us that his fish enjoys a pint of Thatchers
Traditional Dry which he sups from a Camelbak, and doesn't deny
that man and fish are romantically involved – "yes,
I love him" he admits.
A Sea Bass
So what
are the Bass's plans for the future? His owner confirms the
duo will be back next year – "Same Sea Bass, same
Sea Bass Man… but I will search for a partner, the Sea
Bass wants a Sea Bass Bitch." This could prove an interesting
search, as our research tells us that female Sea Basses don't
stay that way for long. The species are "protogynous hermaphrodites",
which means they begin life as females but develop into males
when the fish is between 7 and 10 inches long. This results
in there being lots of young female Sea Basses, but an extremely
high proportion of dirty old Sea Bass males. No stranger to
match-making, the Sea Bass Man used to drive a 6 seater taxi
which included two "naked seats" at the back. Young
couples were encouraged to get naked on the journey to ensure
a romantic ride, and if they did so, they were rewarded with
a free ride. Although no females took up this generous offer,
young men would often desperately try and save cash by getting
naked, much to the surprise of passers-by. And the police. We
cannot confirm or deny that any Sea Basses or Chickens were
involved in these naked taxi sessions.
HMZ would
like to thank Sea Bass Man for talking to us.
Photos
of Sea Bass Man's successful trip to Lords can now be seen here
